Answer Me Jesus

Last Thursday, September 14, was my forty-second birthday. It was a really nice day, full of friends and cake and presents and Barnes and Nobles gift cards! Today I got a package for my birthday from my friend Trish in Houston, and it contained an "Answer Me Jesus." This is a variation of the old "Magic Eight Ball" concept with the octagonal answer device floating up out of the inky, midnight-blue water to reveal the answer to any question you ask. The Jesus figurine gives you answers like "The Holy Water Will Sting!" and "I Died for This?" I find the concept of a hot-pink Jesus used as a cheap, fortune-telling device both hysterical and a little blasphemous. Actually, more hysterical than blasphemous because I laughed out loud when I saw it. As I held it in my hand, turning it up and down, and asking it questions like, "Should I go to Taco Bell?" I began to wonder, "Just what constitutes blasphemy and what does not?"

The "Answer Me Jesus" is sold at Urban Outfitters, and considering recent events in the news, the logical question is, "What would happen if Urban Outfitters began selling "Answer Me Mohammads? Would Muslims extremists across the world begin burning their distressed jeans in protest? Would 'goth kids' in the malls of America become the target of a jihad?"

Obviously, blasphemy, like pornography, is largely in the eye of the beholder. I would consider gangsters who tattoo "The Virgin of Guadalupe" on their backs, and then go on to commit the most violent, despicable acts blasphemous. Evangelical Christians who consider their relative prosperity as a gift from God when they are no more devout then a peasant woman in Chiapas, Mexico could be considered blasphemous. Did the Buddha really spend a lifetime in contemplation and self-reflection to be used as a good luck charm next to the cash registers of countless Chinese restaurants? Are the companies that manufacture rosaries, crucifixes, and other religious paraphenalia for profit blasphemous? Is buying a Tibetan prayer wheel and using it as a knick-knack on your coffee table blasphemous?

I think the answer lies in the intent and spirit of both the creator and consumer of the potentially offending object or act. Madonna's "mock crucifixion" is blasphemous, not because she is mocking the crucifixion of Christ, but because it is such an obvious, insincere, cynical, and poorly considered attempt to bait the media and religious conservatives. Madonna is lobbing a defective hand grenade of controversy over the walls of her celebrity into a public that is just a little bored by this middle-aged woman clinging desperately to cultural relevance. I suppose it is possible that Madonna truly believes what she is doing is creative and artistic, but she certainly hasn't made me believe it. I love Madonna's music because it's fun, not because she is an astute social critic.

And this brings me back to the "Answer Me Jesus." What I've always liked about the story of Christ is his humanity. We are taught that Christ was "A man like us in all things but sin," which means he must have had a sense of humor. When we think of Christ, we think of the pain and suffering of the crucifixion, but is that all we are to remember? When I look at my "Answer Me Jesus," I think of spending afternoons looking at my Magic Eight Ball and asking questions about my future like, "Will I ever be famous?" and "Will Parker Stevenson ever pull up outside my house in a limo and take me away from this hell-hole town?" I think of my friend, Trish, and how we laughed when we saw our first "Answer Me Jesus" in an Urban Outfitters in the Mall of America on our way to attend our friend's wedding. I look at my hot-pink Jesus, and I feel no intent to blaspheme and denigrate a man who's teachings are the most profound the world has ever known. I see humor and friendship. And while I haven't gone so far as to actually do so, I know that if I were to ask the question, "Should I keep you "Answer Me Jesus"? I know the answer would come, floating up through the inky darkness and it would say...

"I Would."